wrong side of the coin

i know by the title that you may think today's blog entry is about being on the losing side of tuesday's election, but it's not. i've realized that i have been on what i believe to be the wrong side of the relationship coin in my last two relationships. i know that many people would disagree. the proverbial "they" say that in a relationship, one person always loves more than the other. i don't know if that is true for everyone. i somehow think that in very long term relationships, the roles of lover and lovee may switch several times. however, i am pretty sure that i have, for the most part, been the lovee. that the last two boyfriends have loved me more than i loved them. in terms of breaking up, i guess it makes it emotionally easier for me, but it also makes me feel like half a person.

i think i am really beginning to question whether i will ever be on the other side of it again. i haven't had my heart broken in 8 years, and i'd really like to. actually, scratch that. i don't want to have my heartbroken, but i would like to care about someone so much, that if they were to not return my feelings, i would be devastated. i somehow think that i may never feel like that again. that any relationship i will ever be in will be luke warm at best, and no one can completely relax in a tepid bath.

on the other hand, a part of me believes that it is just a matter of meeting the right person at the right time. that part of me is the part that tells me that i need to sort the other aspects of my life out before i meet that person. that i need to shape myself into the type of person that my perfect guy would want to be with, before i am able to meet him. even as i write this, i realize that it must be true. that i will never know if i am capable of completely devoting myself to a relationship unless i put myself in the position to meet the right person.

i don't even know if i am making sense anymore, but basically everything i think about or do these days, leads me back to the idea of grad school. so, i had to tell my boyfriend that, in a year from now, there is a significant chance that i won't be here. that even if i don't get accepted to the schools of my choice this year, that i will be reapplying next year, and me leaving is only a matter of time. it is strangely reminiscent of another time when i had to tell someone that giving up my dreams & ambitions to be with them would only leave me bitter and resentful. most people would say that delivering that news is not as hard as hearing it, but who knows? it is also hard to realize that if you don't act in complete selfishness, you'll never know if you could've been happy.