Dear Carissa,

I'm a long time reader, but this is my first time writing you. I don't quite know how to begin this, so I guess I'll just get right to the point: I've been having what some may deem "inappropriate" thoughts about television star ALF. Just the thought of his furry body and that sarcastic wit just gets me hot and tingly all over. Is this wrong? My friends and family just don't seem to understand me, and I often feel alone and afraid to express myself. Please help!

Alien lover in Amarillo



dear ala,

thank you so much for writing in. i want to start off by saying that you have no need to worry because you are not alone. though i myself, do not have the expertise, or experience in this particular area, i am going to refer you to the only worthwhile sex advise columnist who ever lived, dan savage. i have diagnosed you with a particular fetish that is described in more detail by dan and his readers here. if you feel the need to act on your desire, i suggest you break out the visa and head here. after that, hit up craigslist. i'm sure you will be able to find some other twisted individual who will be more than willing to play that crazy, lovable alien for you. that is, after you agree to be his (or her) papa smurf. have fun, and remember protection... you sick sick fuck.

love always,
carissa