thanksgiving: pros and cons

pros:
#1 - not working
#2 - food
#3 - wine
#4 - football (go wildcats!)

cons:
#1 - calling your ex to wish him a happy thanksgiving and then having him not return your call. the consequences of which are a weekend-long pout followed by accusatory instant messages on monday that turn into a day's worth of rehashing the past during which you are a sobbing mess and he reminds you that you are completely insane. this is followed up with a four hour phone conversation where you, for some ungodly reason, feel the need to explain to him that you still aren't over him and maybe never will be. that you are afraid that it won't ever be better than what the two of you had and are so depressed at the thought that you threw it all away. then you are reminded that you, indeed, made the effort to make it work by telling him you would move 1500 miles to be with him in a city where you know no one and have no job prospects. all you needed was to know that you were the one that he wanted to be with forever, and he couldn't commit to that, so... no go. yet somehow, you end up back where you always do... talking on the phone at midnight and feeling like crap.


i love the holidays. can't wait till christmas.

happy thanksgiving!

i'm about to drive out to az for yet another thanksgiving. full of turkey, too much wine and the old tradition where i hang the christmas lights and my mom just stands there and watches as i nearly fall off a ladder. good times. last year it took me over 10 hours to drive from lost angeles to snottsdale. let's hope i fare better this year by leaving at 11am instead of 3pm. look out grand canyon state, here i come!

why didn't you say that in the first place? you stupid hotel manager!

the title has nothing to do with this post. i was just thinking about "best in show" because i saw an ad hanging over victory at olive for the burbank dog show. now to the point:



isn't a salary of $25,000 a year below the poverty level? what is wrong with people?

sick and tired!

my boss went to lunch yesterday and never came back. around 4:30pm i decided i should probably try and track him down. he was at home puking his guts out. luckily, i'm not prone to stomach viruses. i have only puked for non alcohol related reasons maybe 3 times in my entire life. i've also never had food poisoning. so, although i am extremely paranoid about catching whatever my boss has, i don't think it is likely. it is especially important that i don't get sick because i am calling out sick to work on friday. wouldn't want to screw up karen & carissa's day of fun!

instead of sitting in my cube on friday, i'll be at burke williams getting a pure relaxation massage followed by lunch and "bridget jones: the edge of reason." i figure me calling out sick when i am not really sick (hopefully) is offset by the fact that i took gatorade to my boss' house at 6:30pm last night. is it friday yet?

daylight savings blows.

ever since we "fell back" the days have seemed to take FOREVER! it really sucks. i'm so exhausted all the time and my internal clock just can't seem to adjust. i have no idea what purpose daylight savings serves, given the fact that only a very small percentage of the population living in the pacific standard time zone are still farmers. i feel like it gets dark out at 3:30pm. lame. way lame.

i feel so violated!

i just went online to update my checkbook and i noticed that yesterday i spent $150.75 at instyle kids. isn't that interesting? it is especially fascinating since i have absolutely no idea what instyle kids is or why i would spend $150.75 there.

i'm kind of in shock, since i hardly ever have much money in my account and can't figure out why anyone would want to get to my dough. it is really a relatively pointless endeavor for them. i guess the theif REALLY needed a dolce & gabbana jumper for their toddler.

hollywood reporter's next gen... kiss my ass!

today the hollywood reporter released their "next generation" edition, in which they profile all the 30ish-up-and-comers in film, television, talent management, & new media. i have a love/hate relationship with the next gen issue. in some ways, it is inspiring to know that all these "young" people have achieved so much already. (most of them are over 30, so i still have a few years in me to get to that level) part of me wants to ditch the whole grad school idea and go for the gusto in the biz. that part of me, knows that i could very well "make it." their "first hollywood job[s]" aren't that different from mine. there almost isn't anything that any of these people have that i don't. almost...

there is a lovely little "lifestyle" piece at the end that informs all who are interested how to live like a young hollywood power player. that piece alone, is enough to turn me off of hollywood forever. all about being in the "right" places, and knowing the "right" people. it is an article that instructs you to lie about how important you are to get into swanky clubs and restaurants. but cautions you to not lie too much, as "misrepresenting yourself is social suicide." maybe the one thing i don't have, is a level of ambition in this business that compromises everything i am.i've been to many of the "right' places they mention in the article, and most of those places are giant parades of fallacy and delusion. no thank you. i really don't feel the need to waste any of my time trying lie myself into a place that i won't enjoy once i finally get in.

now i'm in a bad mood. screw this town and screw the hollywood reporter.

i think i can. i think i can.

this week's goal is to write two of my old professors to ask for grad school references. i have no idea why such a seemingly simple task feels so freaking insurmountable, but it does. all it requires is an email, explaining myself and humbly asking for help. no big deal... right?

GAHHHHHH! maybe i'm worried that they won't remember me. maybe they'll turn me down when i ask them. maybe they'll write something horrible!?!? eek! it is in these times that i remind myself of the alternative... i could never ask at all. i think the lifetime of disappointment i would impose on myself for not even trying is far worse than the consequences of 2 measly emails. don't you?

i think i've become accustomed to being goalless for the last 2 years. i'll have to get used to this whole aspiration thing. i fully expect you all to hold me accountable.

wrong side of the coin

i know by the title that you may think today's blog entry is about being on the losing side of tuesday's election, but it's not. i've realized that i have been on what i believe to be the wrong side of the relationship coin in my last two relationships. i know that many people would disagree. the proverbial "they" say that in a relationship, one person always loves more than the other. i don't know if that is true for everyone. i somehow think that in very long term relationships, the roles of lover and lovee may switch several times. however, i am pretty sure that i have, for the most part, been the lovee. that the last two boyfriends have loved me more than i loved them. in terms of breaking up, i guess it makes it emotionally easier for me, but it also makes me feel like half a person.

i think i am really beginning to question whether i will ever be on the other side of it again. i haven't had my heart broken in 8 years, and i'd really like to. actually, scratch that. i don't want to have my heartbroken, but i would like to care about someone so much, that if they were to not return my feelings, i would be devastated. i somehow think that i may never feel like that again. that any relationship i will ever be in will be luke warm at best, and no one can completely relax in a tepid bath.

on the other hand, a part of me believes that it is just a matter of meeting the right person at the right time. that part of me is the part that tells me that i need to sort the other aspects of my life out before i meet that person. that i need to shape myself into the type of person that my perfect guy would want to be with, before i am able to meet him. even as i write this, i realize that it must be true. that i will never know if i am capable of completely devoting myself to a relationship unless i put myself in the position to meet the right person.

i don't even know if i am making sense anymore, but basically everything i think about or do these days, leads me back to the idea of grad school. so, i had to tell my boyfriend that, in a year from now, there is a significant chance that i won't be here. that even if i don't get accepted to the schools of my choice this year, that i will be reapplying next year, and me leaving is only a matter of time. it is strangely reminiscent of another time when i had to tell someone that giving up my dreams & ambitions to be with them would only leave me bitter and resentful. most people would say that delivering that news is not as hard as hearing it, but who knows? it is also hard to realize that if you don't act in complete selfishness, you'll never know if you could've been happy.

bush is my daddy.

as i was listening to our president's press conference this morning, i experienced a moment of clarity amidst the haze of confusion of the past few days. what i realized is that i had no say in who my president is, much like i have no say in who my parents are.

those of you who know me (everyone who reads this) are aware that i really don't like my father. actually, i fluctuate between dislike and hate. this is very similar to how i feel about president bush. in fact, my dad and our president are somewhat similar. both are opportunists, liars and "recovered" alcoholics. when i watch our president address the nation, he often adopts the smug, smirking expressions that my dad does when he is lying. you know the one. the one bush gets when someone asks him an accusatory question and he turns it around to make it seem like it is a ridiculous question and the answer is evident, when, in fact, the question is perfectly justified and there are no evident answers. personally, i have... hmmm... let's see.... oh, about ZERO respect for that kind of behavior. so it makes sense that i don't hold either of these men in high regard.

nevertheless, they both play roles in my life, and i have no control over that. i've spent a lot of time being bitter about what my father has or hasn't done to me and my family, so i know that kind of thinking really isn't good for my personal well being. for the most part i am able to reconcile my feelings and accept that he is my dad and that he is 1/2 of the reason i am here today. for that i am obviously grateful. when i think about it, i realize that my dad is only doing the best he can. that's all any parent can do.

this morning it dawned on me that america is my family and bush is the daddy. i didn't pick him, it's just how it is. it isn't in my interest, or any of ours, to be mad and hate him. america is our family, and we are all very fortunate to be borne into such a prosperous family. it's like being paris hilton. the only thing she did was get lucky enough to be born into a wealthy family and now her greed, stupidity and sluttiness is known the world over.

anyway, maybe it is easier for me to get my head around this concept since i'm pretty sure most of you don't have the good fortune of having an asshole father. like, for me it makes since that half the family thinks dad is swell and doing a great job while the other half think he is awful and useless. standard operating procedure, as far as i'm concerned. if anyone is unsure of how to deal with such a situation, i'll give you some tips:


1. don't ask for money. even if you think he may give it to you, he'll make a big production about it and it isn't worth the stress.

2. don't be surprised or hurt when he favors the other kids over you. some of them are more needy than you and some of them less. you'll be fine with or without his help.

3. don't bother trying to tell him that you don't agree with his decisions. he won't listen. you're probably better off waiting until you are in charge of your own family to implement your policies.

4. if there is something you want to do that he doesn't allow, remind yourself that, since he lives in another state, he'll probably never find out.

5. if he makes some questionable decisions that make the family look bad, pretend like you aren't a member of the family.

FUCK!!!






that's all i have to say about this for right now. goodbye kerry, hello merlot.

america, fuck yeah!

well kiddies, the big day is tomorrow, and since everything i need to know i learned from vh1's "best week ever," i know that if i don't vote, then p diddy will murder me. so i'll be at the polls with bells on, and so should you... unless you are still undecided. in that case, it would be far preferable to take a cap in the ass from sean "puffy" combs than to MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND!

actually, if you somehow haven't figured out which chad to punch, then i suggest you don't punch any. just don't do it. i say this, because i have this sneaking suspicion that the undecided voters don't suddenly make up their mind once the curtain closes. no, i think they just vote for whomever they think is going to win so that they can say they picked a winner. if you are one of these people, then you are a pussy. plain and simple. have some balls & get behind a candidate for god's sake. or do the american thing on november 2nd and remain seated on your couch eating pizza and watching "friends" reruns.