Dear Carissa,

Thanks for your wonderful column! It is such an inspiration to millions of loyal readers. Praise Christ for you!

I've recently begun corresponding with a prisoner at Lompoc Federal Correctional Institution. He has been incarcerated for the last 5 years, with 2 more to go. He promises me that he in innocent of all charges, and was framed by the wicked police. Like he would leave a knife with his fingerprints on it in his wife's body. That is so completely ridiculous! Anyway, things have been progressing between us, and he has recently asked me to help him locate some of his deceased wife's money, which he says she hid before he ki....she died. So my question is: do you have any advice on how to break into a titanium encased safe?

Larcenous in Louisiana



dear lil,

you are right, my blog IS wonderful. i'm sure christ would praise me with or without your recommendation, but i appreciate the effort.

anywho, i wanted to start out by saying congrats on snagging such a catch of a man. i also go weak for a guy in uniform, and most men don't wear enough orange. unfortunately i have no idea how to break into a safe, but some quick internet research has taught me that you can get through titanium using something called a plasma cutter. i suggest you visit your local welding mart and then watch the sparks fly!

also, your boyfriend was definitely framed. everyone knows that there is no such thing as crime. it is just a conspiracy of the government to create jobs in the judicial system and law enforcement. fucking capitalist pigs.

p.s. have the conditions in the conjugal bungalow improved in recent years? it was a hell hole in '96.