oh tush, keep it down now. this is scary.

it wasn't until a year ago that i found out the real words to the song are "oh hush, keep it down now. voices carry." i don't really know how to turn this information into a whole, entertaining blog post, but the song just came on launchcast. it made me want to write something about it because i always laugh about how i spent 20 years or so thinking the lyrics were something totally different. i can't think of another song where i got the lyrics so bass ackwards.

anyway... not much else to post about. i bought a coat on sale at nordstrom yesterday and am wondering if spring really has sprung and it was a completely impractical purchase. in fairness, it is kind of an ivory/beige color and a shorter length... so maybe that makes it okay. i don't know. i'll run it by the roommate tonight and see what her opinion is. maybe i should have opted for a cute pair of shoes instead? i don't really have any cute shoes. that is a bit concerning.

i'm kind of confused by fashion. does anyone else think it is weird that the season we are experiencing is never the season in the stores? am i really expected to plan out my clothing months in advance? that really takes all the fun out of sport shopping. half the joy of it is finding something you can take home and wear right away! that being said, maybe i am supposed to be wearing spring fashions now? if so, what the hell is that about? since when do the fashion gods get to decide when the seasons change?

so that happened

it seems that whenever i decide to work out, something comes up. now i will admit that usually the something probably isn't worth skipping the gym for, but lunch at the ivy is a different story. so instead of finding out if i still have my groove, i went to lunch with the roommate and her mom at the ivy yesterday. i can't say that i regret it. it came complete with an excellent whitefish dish, 2 gimlets and a d-list sighting. is the girl from "for love or money" even considered a sighting? in my opinion, one shouldn't be so presumptuous to think that you can afford to lunch at the ivy after one lousy reality tv stint. whatever.

in other semi-celebrity sighting news, saw bob sagat at the belmont last night. he was wearing a suit... which made me wonder if he had just done a show. maybe he had a business dinner? anyway, he was with a group of younguns, looked pretty good, not a gal in sight. why am i relaying this information? who do i think i am? defamer?

more stuff... wow, i'm rather long winded for a sunday. c&z - do you have any interest in this? i think i'm going to go. you should come!

a hip hop a hip to the hippity hip hip hop and you don't stop rockin'

i'm about to go to a hip hop class at 24hour fitness. now, i can't remember the last time i took hip hop. probably a year ago. for all i know, i've lost it. will carissa get her groove back? i'm starting to get the feeling that i am too old for this kind of thing. is that possible? have i outgrown my boogie shoes? since college, i have felt more spazzy than coordinated whenever i dance. what happened to me? i don't want to dance like a dork for the rest of my life!!!

HATERS!

no one comments and it makes me cry. boo hoo!

has anyone besides sky linked here from my signature on qlc? make yourself known!

ITEM: jennifer anniston is gay!

proven here. and i know it is true because "the awful truth" is like the bible... with ted casablancas being god.

besides... no straight woman could even function looking at him on a day to day basis:

how would you get any work done?


oh............................ holy...............................jesus.

paris and nicole, you aren't fooling anyone!

ummm... hello?!? did anyone else notice that this season's "the simple life" is even more contrived than the last? they did't even have the decency to hire actors who could have effectively pretend to be shocked and pissed when nicole crashed the cars. it's all a set-up, and i'm IRATE!!! i know last season they planned out their antics, but at least it seemed like the innocent bystanders were just that. this season it seems like everyone is in on the game and doing a crappy job of pretending that they aren't. lame... way lame!

the momen't i've been waiting for!

the simple life 3: interns premieres tonight! personally, i cannot wait to see what those kooky gals will be up to next. nicole looks as if she's lost a little weight. i wonder how she did it? maybe she's hitting the needle again... or perhaps she's snorting her lunch! either way, she looks FABULOUS!!! one can only hope that both paris and nicole will make out with some unsuspecting, nearly underage boys again. some barely-legal action would be hot! speaking of hot, perhaps this season i will be able to expand my catch phrase dictionary to include more than just "that's hot," "loves it" and "please stop begging to see my crotch and get that camera out of my face, rick." oh man... i can't wait until 9pm! after all, we have all gone SO LONG without hearing anything about paris hilton. i was going through withdrawals. thank god the wait is almost over!

salary, shmalary!

i think i should have an agent to do salary negotiations for me for the rest of my life. i'm just so effing bad with that kind of stuff. i don't know if it is because i am such a shitty liar or because i have such a hard time standing up for myself. probably a combo. anyway, i just really don't want to deal with it. the prospect of talking money makes me want to crawl under my desk and get into the fetal position.... which i am tempted to do anyways since i currently feel like my uterus is being slowly and painfully dragged out of my vagina. isn't that just what you wanted to hear today?

anyway, my contact said that my interviewer really liked me and is waiting to hear my salary requirements. am i supposed to call her? i thought they were supposed to bring all that up. furthermore, the position i am now being considered for is described as "entry-level," aka "shit-paying." granted... i have no experience when it comes to marketing, but i firmly believed that i should be paid billions just for being so fan-fucking-tastic! why can't everyone see that?

chiropractors

helpful or bullshit?


discuss.

i was just thinking to myself...

...that if i wasn't allowed to surf the internet and/or read books, this job would actually be a form of torture. it would be like being put on time out for 50 hours a week. pretty inhumane if you think about it.

i'm not your effing boyfriend

i think a pet peeve of mine is when my girlfriends treat my like their boyfriend. this includes any utterance of the phrase "we need to talk" or any time they feel the need to instigate a conversation about our feelings and what you think may be bothering me. i'm sorry, i'm just not interested. maybe i take my female relationships for granted, but i guess i just have a sort of expectance that we care enough about each other that nothing productive that can come out of discussing why i didn't forward the spam email you sent me promising us both a $250 nordstrom giftcard as long as we sent the email along to 4,000 of our nearest and dearest. no thank you to that. i would like to think that my friendships are on a higher level. at least they are on my side of the fence. come on now... we don't "need to talk" unless one of us has slept with the other's man. and even then... it's questionable.

note: this message does not apply to anyone who may read this blog.

that's what happens when you date an arab.

for those of you who watch 24, and you know who you are, am i the only one totally appalled/amused at how politically incorrect it is? the cast is pretty much divided between the good, american white people and the evil muslim terrorists (latino actors pretending to be arabs). the secretary of defense and his daughter are whiter than white. poor little debbie (hee hee) was almost snowy. at ctu - there are two black people, one of them being aisha tyler... who doesn't count because she hosted "talk soup." we see all these innocent caucasians suffer at the hands of the scary brown people who apparently have no reason for torturing anyone except for something having to do with allah.

in addition, i'm convinced that the producers hate women. all the females on the show are either clueless or bitchy. behrooz's mom and erin driscoll are COMPLETELY PSYCHOTIC! i mean, driscoll is so mannish and always makes the stupidest fucking decisions possible, while behrooz's mom does all these crazy things while remaining completely calm... she is clearly a sociopath. furthermore, why the hell did debbie keep asking behrooz so many questions? weren't you thinking, "shut the fuck up!" and i really hope chloe does resign. although she helps jack out, if i have to look at that same stupid frown on her face for another episode, i am going to scream.

i've started wondering if the $$$ to produce 24 comes straight from the bush administration... along with script notes on how to make the terrorists seem more arab and evil and the women seem more stupid and annoying. keep up the good fight, fox. we gotta keep our minorities marginalized, our women subdued and the whole fucking country scared shitless. let freedom ring.

p.s. if you go onto imdb and start looking up who appears in what episode (so as to learn how to spell people's names), you can see what characters die during what episode because they aren't credited in the following episodes. i don't suggest it.

no seriously... the carissa really is freaking out!

t-minus 1 hour and 13 minutes until my interview. holy crap, i am nervous! it probably stems from being qualified for the job, but completely inexperienced. this puts me in one of my least favorite positions (other than 69... i'm not much of multi-tasker), having to convince someone that i am capable. this is where i really think my education hurt me. i always let my work speak for itself. i never argued for a grade or an extension on a paper. i preferred to just do my work and do it well. then i'd get the grade and be on my way.

real life is not like this, however. in real life, you have to persuade and practically harass people to even give you the chance to perform. i absolutely hate that! maybe one day i will get over it. if that day happened to be today... well, that would be fan-fucking-tastic!

wish me luck!

you guys crack my shit up!

warm and fuzzies all around!

true or false?

#1 - men think about having sex with every woman they see.

#2 - men have thought in detail about sex with pretty much every woman they have regular contact with.



discuss.

Dear Carissa,

Thanks for your wonderful column! It is such an inspiration to millions of loyal readers. Praise Christ for you!

I've recently begun corresponding with a prisoner at Lompoc Federal Correctional Institution. He has been incarcerated for the last 5 years, with 2 more to go. He promises me that he in innocent of all charges, and was framed by the wicked police. Like he would leave a knife with his fingerprints on it in his wife's body. That is so completely ridiculous! Anyway, things have been progressing between us, and he has recently asked me to help him locate some of his deceased wife's money, which he says she hid before he ki....she died. So my question is: do you have any advice on how to break into a titanium encased safe?

Larcenous in Louisiana



dear lil,

you are right, my blog IS wonderful. i'm sure christ would praise me with or without your recommendation, but i appreciate the effort.

anywho, i wanted to start out by saying congrats on snagging such a catch of a man. i also go weak for a guy in uniform, and most men don't wear enough orange. unfortunately i have no idea how to break into a safe, but some quick internet research has taught me that you can get through titanium using something called a plasma cutter. i suggest you visit your local welding mart and then watch the sparks fly!

also, your boyfriend was definitely framed. everyone knows that there is no such thing as crime. it is just a conspiracy of the government to create jobs in the judicial system and law enforcement. fucking capitalist pigs.

p.s. have the conditions in the conjugal bungalow improved in recent years? it was a hell hole in '96.

mark my words... one day, pigs WILL fly!

i was having a discussion on my message board about whether or not the human race will one day become a global race with similar skin tone, bone structure, height, body shape, etc. someone said that it is an impossibility. it reminded me of the term, "when pigs fly!" then it occurred to me that stranger things have happened. i mean, evolution as a whole is a pretty freaky thing. did early primates ever think they would develop an opposable digit? probably not. so, though it now seems unlikely, i think it is definitely possible that one day (thousands and thousands of years from now) we will be one global race and pigs will fly.

the great thing about this is that if pigs were to develop wings, it would be like the collective consciousness willed the genetic deformity to take place just by repeating the phrase, "when pigs fly!" wouldn't that be awesome?!? when the first little piggy takes to wing, we'll all think, "wow, those metaphysical whackos were right! mind really can alter matter." then there'll be this dramatic paradigm shift where we all learn to become psychic, telekinetic and whatever else. any conception of god as interpreted through today's religions will dissolve, and we'll be this all-powerful, all-knowing homogeneous race surrounded by millions of flying pigs.

heed the prophecy of carissadamus.

Dear Carissa,

I'm a long time reader, but this is my first time writing you. I don't quite know how to begin this, so I guess I'll just get right to the point: I've been having what some may deem "inappropriate" thoughts about television star ALF. Just the thought of his furry body and that sarcastic wit just gets me hot and tingly all over. Is this wrong? My friends and family just don't seem to understand me, and I often feel alone and afraid to express myself. Please help!

Alien lover in Amarillo



dear ala,

thank you so much for writing in. i want to start off by saying that you have no need to worry because you are not alone. though i myself, do not have the expertise, or experience in this particular area, i am going to refer you to the only worthwhile sex advise columnist who ever lived, dan savage. i have diagnosed you with a particular fetish that is described in more detail by dan and his readers here. if you feel the need to act on your desire, i suggest you break out the visa and head here. after that, hit up craigslist. i'm sure you will be able to find some other twisted individual who will be more than willing to play that crazy, lovable alien for you. that is, after you agree to be his (or her) papa smurf. have fun, and remember protection... you sick sick fuck.

love always,
carissa

i got nothin'!

i have nothing to write about today. no complaints or rants. whatever shall i do? i take requests if anyone has any pressing issues that they would like me to address. please don't ask me to talk about politics or anything boring. let's keep it to personal issues, and i'll be like dear abby without any sort of qualification to impart advice. oh wait... dear abby isn't qualified to give advice either. i guess that means i would be like dear abby except with swear words and without capitalization. and that's a guarantee! ask away, loyal fans and subjects. i eagerly await to make your concerns and troubles my own.


NOTE: IF SOMEONE DOESN'T COMMENT AND/OR ASK ME A QUESTION, I'M GOING TO CRY AND THINK THAT NOBODY LOVES ME. DON'T MAKE YOURSELF THE ONE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT. COULD YOU REALLY HANDLE HAVING THAT ON YOUR CONSCIENCE?

p.s. - oops! i guess i already broke the no capitals rule. well, you can't have everything. in fact, this was my first lesson to you all. people are liars and will capitalize when they promise not to. you should learn to deal with the disappointment.

what is wrong with people (men)?

honestly boys, if you want to pick up a girl, i suggest you avoid insulting her. and i'm not talking about your obvious "lay off the cheese fries, cow" type of insult. i'm talking about those backhanded insults that you think you can pass off as compliments. i'm about to tell you the #1 insult that guys think is a compliment. i feel that it is so much more damaging to my ego than anything else, because this is actually something guys say. it really only serves to make a girl feel self conscious and shitty, but i suspect that guys truly think they are helping you out when they tell you this...

"you aren't self confident enough..."

this is usually followed by "... for someone so pretty/smart/sexy/etc." the minute that this flies carelessly out of your mouth, i'm done. i'll leave that conversation feeling so down about the fact that i come off as lacking confidence. it really is a sad cycle. low self-esteem leads you to say that, which then leads to lower self-esteem. i know that no (sane) guy would ever say something like "have you ever considered rhinoplasty?" or "you should think about hitting the gym more often," but guys think that by telling you that you should be more confident, they are building your confidence. why not leave out the first part and leave in the 2nd? if you think i am pretty/smart/sexy, then just say that.

furthermore, have you ever met a girl who thought she was as pretty/smart/sexy as you thought she was? probably not. everyone has shitty self esteem. it's a fact of life. that doesn't mean that we hate ourselves... at least not all of us. i happen to actually believe that i am intelligent, funny and somewhat entertaining. looks wise, i am aware that some guys find me attractive... but i'm not so vain to think that all guys do. people have different tastes. i'm not always pleased by my appearance, but i'm not always upset with it either. i think my level of self-confidence is pretty standard in that respect.

what do you expect from us girls? we're just as vulnerable and insecure as you.


readers... please comment!

bloggity blog blog

my daily blogs/message board/cartoons:

www.defamer.com
www.screenhead.com
http://fuggingitup.blogspot.com
http://bestweekever.vh1.com
www.quarterlifecrisis.com/forums/index.php?s=
www.leasticoulddo.com
www.mitchinwonderland.com

setting the record straight.

allright, y'all are aware that i have a certain flare for the dramatic. one minute the world is over, the next it is my oyster. it really leads me to question what's real. as soon as i do that, i realize that nothing's real. that everything is based on my perception. while that may be scary for some, i think it may be the most comforting concept in a time of crisis. whenever things seem shitty, the old adage, "this too shall pass," is only too appropriate.

so the going got tough and this tough, or not-so-tough girl (depending on how you look at it), got going. i got the kick in the pants that i needed, and now things are looking up. i'll soon be unemployed and living with my mother, but at least i'll be out of this oh-so-boring dead end job. like bridget, i decided that "it is time to take control of my life." i guess this qualifies as my diary, so i have that part of it taken care of too.

i've never thought of myself as an effective decision-maker, but i'm attempting to stick firm here. of course there are a lot of reasons to want to stay in LA, and they have surfaced right when i want to leave, but i'm going to choose to have faith that those things (and more) can be found in snottsdale.

so for you arizona folks - put your party shoes on. i don't know how high my chances are of finding any place like barney's or red rock in arizona, but then again... there's no kazimierz or armitage here, and there's nothing like a wine flight.